Fear

They say it has been a year, as if a light is supposed to switch on and I am supposed to say, Yeah! Now I am ready!

Unfortunately, the advancements in technology haven’t changed the patriarchal nature of our society. The fact that IVF helps women of ‘a certain age ‘ to bear children doesn’t really help my case, these days. Apparently, my life as a woman is worthless or so I’m told, yet again.

Don’t get me wrong. I have always wanted to be a mommy. It scares me to death, what with my mom’s doc forewarning a probability of depression. But that doesn’t dissuade me, much. It just makes me a bit cautious. That’s besides the point.

The point is how does my being of a certain age give people the right to be obnoxious? Like a very close relative quips, “our product has expired, now.” Men can make babies till they are 70 and at 35 I have been declared an expired product! Lovely! My age should speed up the process of getting over things, as apparently my reproductive organs have a time bomb attached to them and they may go off any minute!

Why this obsession with age? I have never ever felt my age. I vacillate between various stages of development and none of them are thirty five. My closest friends have always been a few years older or younger. In my early 20s, I found older men attractive and ever since younger. Although, I know innumerable friends and relatives who have dated and married much younger women, the reversal of roles is considered sacrilege. Unless, you are JLo, Madonna or drop dead gorgeous, it ain’t going to be a walk in the park.

Then there’s the fear that everyone tries to instill in you. Statistically, there are more men than women in India. Add to that, the number of people having extra marital affairs and marriage as an institution miserably failing, the claim that one will not find anyone, if not now, is preposterous. Yes, there’s a 60% probability my parents will die before me and I will be all alone in this Big Bad World. And yes I will be lonely, but like Beghum Akhtar very poignantly said, “Tanhai ko apna dost bana lo. Tanhai dhoka nahin deti.’ Who says the married are not lonely?

The act of jumping into a relationship just so that I don’t end up alone seems rather juvenile. A few years ago, I definitely would  have but isn’t age supposed to bring maturity and isn’t it immature to first not understand, forgive and heal yourself before somersaulting into another thing?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s