I’ve always felt like an anachronism…when I was younger due to my forwardness and as I age in my backwardness. These day I find myself wishing for things that are passé…handwritten letters, a walk in the park, friendships that stand the test of time, a slow quiet life and a love that can make me stay.
Fifteen years ago, being me was an act of rebellion- the clothing, the tatoos, the sullen attitude made me an oddity…it seems these days it’s the norm. Now, I find myself in the company of an entire generation like myself- self centered, commitement phobic, adrenaline junkies. The difference being I’m rapidly advancing towards forty and they are just hitting their twenties.
‘Why don’t you meet my friend Jaswinder?’ asks my happily married (touch wood) friend as she struggles with her life these days. ‘Do you not like your friend?Why would you want him to meet me?’I ask. ‘Shut up! Why not?What is wrong with you? You need someone who understands the situation at home. You know love doesn’t happen in a day!’she says. ‘Ya, ya I’ll think about it,’ I reply rolling my eyes. ( I don’t know shit about love, I think to myself)’I know you won’t!’she says thoroughly exasperated.
Once in a blue… blue moon, I meet a woman who balances marriage, ambition and motherhood in a way that makes me want to dip my little toe in the water. But I ain’t no superwoman, just a mere hybrid who has a woman’s body with an ego of a man. Plus, one’s a coward, one can’t take a leap of faith….one can only go down yelling and crying.
Yesterday, I saw a photograph someone from my previous life had shared on Facebook. A memory from eight years ago. A picture of me with my favourite boys. Sometimes, a happy picture can make you so sad…not just because it reminds you of the people who are no longer in your life but because it makes you realize that you will never be that girl. ‘She’s gone but she use to be mine.’ Sometimes, I wish I could be that girl from eight years ago- for just a day. Erase the past two years and start with a heart that was full of hope and a little bit of love.