Do you know what it’s like to feel a sense of impending doom and an adrenaline rush, both at the same time and in equal measures? That’s what I feel at the moment. I find tears rolling down my eyes many a times and my life flashing before my eyes. I dismiss it, thinking its just fear!
Have you heard the story of a man who ran everywhere so that he could cheat death? But Death caught up with him where it had to, the way it had to! It keeps running on my mind. That and the deal I made with God and Death a couple of years ago, ‘not like this. Just let me get up one more time.’
I’m back on my feet and its as good a time as any! So, I’m winding up my worldly business, paying my dues…mostly the emotional ones.
Sent a few thank you messages to cousins and friends on some Whattsapp groups. A cousin who overthinks like me asked, ‘Are you leaving the group? It seems like a goodbye.’ I had half a mind of telling her the truth- it kind of is! But that would have freaked everybody out a bit, so I thought it’s better not say anything at all.
I just recently realised the trouble with being a wretch. If anytime soon is my dying day, I have so many nice things to say to people. I’m sure, nice people don’t suffer this dilemna. You know how hard it is to write anything pleasant? I want to puke on myself for getting so sentemotional!
But still let’s give this a shot-
If you got a message from me today on some group, which may have seemed random to you, it was my way of saying thank you for being a part of my journey.
For the family members who are not part of those groups- lots of love.
For Sheel Aunty, G.L.C and A.S- thank you for the best teachers a girl could ask for.
For all those who were with me for a while and left, our time together will always mean a lot.
For G.D-You were my first and last mountain. My should have been! This camel will always be grateful for everything, all of it because the good just outweighed the bad. Plus, no one can match your ways of showing affection- hitting the woman on her forehead. You Caveman, you!
For R.B- There will always be a world of words left unsaid between us. ‘Kuch tumhare liye aankhon mein chuppa rakha tha…na dekha to kuch shikaayat bhi nahin.’
For The One Who Waits-you spoil me rotten. I’m touched and blessed. I have no other words!
For Shets-you crazy, mad, absolutely mental human being. I’m going to say something you’ve been dying to hear for the past 14 years. ‘I Love You’, not the way you love me, you silly goose. But still more than I love most, that’s why I saved you from myself. Appreciate my altruism. Save ho gaya bete, save!
For my assistant- I owe you my life. You saved me from a mob, from death and most of all from myself. As you say, the easiest way to handle me is to never say ‘no’! You’re the only living person I know, who says yes to all my crazy ideas.
For S.R a.k.a Ocean- who I hardly ever get to meet these days and K.A, thank you for not leaving my side when things got tough. Appreciate it.
For Mum- I wish you would have fought the world harder and remained the superstar you were. That woman is my inspiration.
For Dad- Partyyy! You can adopt the child you deserve.
Let the Epitaph read- Here lies a woman, who died the way she lived-sticking it to the world!
Mojo has the perfect picture, which will look absolutely awesome in an obituary.
Parting Words- ‘Qabr par mere sar utha ke khadi ho zindagi, aise marna he mujhe. Kuch maangna baaqi nahin. Kuch maangna baaqi nahin. Jitna mila kaafi hai.’
P.S-I thought I should clean up my basement, then I thought in any case I will have to haunt anyone, who messes with my books. If you dare to cremate me, I shit you not, I’m coming back from Hell. Make me into a fancy tree. You would think, I would get rid of all the poems and love letters, the Anais Nins and the K.S but what the hell, enjoy reading them.
Oh, my will-
Give my personal belongings to Nidhi Singhal, she can donate it to the right charities.
My photographs will go to my assistant. He has been informed what to do with them.
Money can go to Khalsa Aid.
LIC Policy- Please start the -Jaswin Kochar Foundation.